Retrenchment/Retirement Is A Serious Matter

MEMO TO ALL STAFF

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy in US since last Christmas, management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age, on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPE and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPE can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants of Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel (Early Severance)). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management. Persons staying on will receive as much SHlT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.
Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHlT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHlT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHlT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Management.

Reporting by A Potential RAPE Candidate