The Topless Car wash

The Lion City

The Lemon Juice Talk

Have you ever heard of the term "Lemon Juice Talk" ? It is an upgraded version of the "Coffee Talk". Back in the days where management wants to feel the ground of the workforce, they will mingle with the lower ranks during coffee breaks - in an informal manner. Such "Coffee talks" eventually migrated into an organised session for management to disseminate information to the lower ranks - this is usually accompanied by some food and light refreshments (coffee).

The "Coffee talks" then migrated to a coffee-less operandi mode - and serves as a conduit for management to do a top-down information dissemination.

Whats the next step? the "Lemon Juice Talk". It is not because there will be lemon juice serverd at the info session. It is for management to talk about how sour why certain objectives cannot be met, and how even higher management is to blamed. The sour grape syndrome. Can it get any worse? Only time will tell.


Reporting from the grapevine.

The ZunePhone

Macrosoft's latest invention - designed and built in India is here... The Zune Phone. Here is an Ad for the phone:

Christmas Song - India

Calm before the Storm

There had been very little news over the last few weeks. This could be the calm just before the storm. The storm could be brewing slowly beneath the calm surface and the under-currents is getting stronger.

Perhaps the uprising is suspended as many had acquire safe-habour with more offerings from the Gods - and decided to play it safe. Ultimately, the ones that holds the power still rips the benefits at the end of the day.


Reporting from the Swimming Pool where it is definitely Calm

Indian Music - Benny Lava

Wedding Photos Part 1

Migration

Will APNN2 be migrated to the old "forum" technology? It's hard to say. Current Blogger features allows the authors of blogs to put up embedded code - like adding YouTube videos etc.

Our tech department assured us that customization to the software will allow more advance features, but who needs them when we are surviving will on the blogger platform. Any comments?

http://sinlg.dlinkddns.com:8000/base <-- experimental

I am a girl now

Earthworm launched

Passionfruit Inc today announced the release of Mary OS 10.5 aka Earthworm. This latest installment supercedes the previous flagship OS 10.4 aka Fireant. Minimum requirements for installation of Passionfruit requires at least a Dual-core processor from cumTel running at 2ghz and at least 1GB of memory.

Note worthy features from Passionfruit include Time machine, which makes your Orange computer look like an older version of it's distance cousin, like the Orange ][+ or the Orangintosh. Another feature is the "finder" application which has porn filter built-in now. Parents can feel safe when their children use Passionfruit for web-surfing.

The Demise of APNN blog

Hello readers,

APNN's readership has fallen a whopping 95% after the URL was changed. The result is caused by insufficient marketing and publicity within the blogger community. As a result, new competition is entering this space, http://im-moderately-ho.blogspot.com/. Slated to set the stage for an opinions related blog, we wonder if it will follow the foot-steps of the original APNN.

Reporting from the reporter's lounge swating flies.

Comedy - Laugh it out

Tenacious D & their ideas of Sex

Yet another social networking site?

Heard of www.oddpodz.com ? A social networking site that seems to target at the creative people!

Marriage Discussion

New Herbal Shampoo for Men competes with Viagra Shampoo

Favourite Handphone

Research shows that teenagers these days want to have the most fashionable phone they can get their hands on. The big cell phone companies are racing to produce the next gen social-networking cell phones featuring direct integration to social-networking giants like Bodybook and TaMaDeSpace.

Can you move like me?

Woh.... Wah... Oohhh... Uhhh... These are the sounds that flood the concert hall last Friday when the famous dancer "Na Na Bally" shows off her skills - utilizing all her muscles to create this dance.



Even the camera man was drooling, wondering if those tiny muscle movements can be utilized in other activities.


Reporting from the Drool Center, Thir Tee Man

The Hunt for Consumerism

Many gathered at the Belly Dancing Restaurant yesterday afternoon. This is the result of free food and beverages offered to all who turned up. It is a marketing event, for electronic products from various vendors.

Prizes were also up for grab, include the very well known "iPhone" offered by Apple Inc. Other prizes included "Playstation Portable", "iPods", Webcams etc.

The turn-out was mixed with many races including Chinese, Caucasians and Indians alike. All wanting a piece of the prize-pie.

The organizers said the event was a success and will have more such events in the future.

Dead Terrorist

The new APNN2

Dear readers,

The Asia Pacific News Network has changed URL as you may have noticed. The 2 signifies new changes to our editorial columns. We want to be innovative and write articles that YOU want to read. So please give us feedback.

Do you want to see more TV serie reviews? Movie reviews? How about Entertainment news or Crime reports? Or do you want to hear about life events or Sport news? Some classified Ads/Commercials or financial news? Of course APNN will report in it's fictitious and comical style. Your support greatly appreciated. YouTube selections will also be featured from time to time.

Wo Ai Ni
CEO (Chief Entertainment Officer)

Thank you for your Support

Dearest readers of the Asia Pacific News Network,

The readership of this blog has been steadily increasing, based on the statistics gathered (see below):

Since the debut of this blog, the average hit rates is about 80(impressions) a day, noting that weekends tend to be the low traffic time. Of course, this number does not tell us if there were really 80 people reading the blog a day - it is more likely the same people hit the blog several times throughout the day. It also shows that on the average, 2 people will read some of the advertising that is on the site.

We want to make the blog better, so we welcome suggestions or articles that are important or interesting to you. Please write your comments by clicking on the comment icon below.

So from now on, APNN URL has been changed to http://apnn2.blogspot.com

Thank you
Wo Ai Ni
one of the bloggers

The Toilet Roll

Did You Commit This Most Appropriate Gruesome Crime? - A weekly series

"Death By the Toilet Flash, Accident or Murder?"

The hot tropical sun was beating mercilessly upon the bald patch of S.M. Lake's head. Dredged in his own perspiration and feeling sticky under his armpits, Lake quickly dashed across the road to the nearest coffee shop and gratefully plopped himself under a fan. Relieved at last and away from the scorching noon sun.

The coffee shop lady hobbled towards Lake, ‘Drink what?’

Lake looked up, ‘Coke.’ The lady strolled lazily back to the counter and shouted his order.

At first, Lake didn’t noticed it but soon he realized that the coffee shop was quite empty. Normally, the place would be crowded with the lunch crowd but today, there were plenty of empty seats. Lake looked at his watch, it was 12.30pm.

The coffee shop lady returned with the Coke, ‘$1.20’

Lake paid. ‘How come no people today?’

‘You didn’t know?’

‘Know what?’

‘That the company opposite, one of the managers died, so they said everybody has to stay in the canteen, police now investigating.'

'So the whole company cannot leave'?

'Ya, everyone is a suspect because everyone hates the Sa Kar manager, they very happy he die you know. They all happy eating pau, drinking kopi, like celebrating.'

‘Really? When?’

‘This morning about 10 o’clock, they said he died in the toilet.’

‘He collapsed?’

‘I don’t know lah but this morning, a lot of people drinking coffee here say he is a bad manager, deserved to die that way.’

‘What way?’

‘Actually quite scary, they said his head got stucked in the toilet bowl. When they pulled out his head, his mouth was ‘why’ to one side. The mouth screwed to one side because he likes to talk and carry tales about people to his manager.'

‘Aiyo! Stuck in the toilet bowl? What was he putting his head in the toilet bowl for?’

‘How I know, but just now the people say, that manager like to Sa Kar big shot and he was actually trying to examine the toilet bowl because his big manager complained the toilet not so clean.’

‘He can call the cleaners for that, why need to go do it himself?’

‘That’s why lor, the people say, actually the Ang Mo manager just mentioned only but this Sa Kar always like to carry his balls, so he go do it himself. Served him right lah.’

‘But how did his head gone stuck?’

‘You think company got only 1 Sa Kar meh. The people all say there must be another Sa Kar who also heard what the Ang Mo manager say. So must have told the cleaning department to do automatic flush. This Sa Kar suay lah, put his head inside the bowl, the toilet automatically flashed, his head kena sucked in so die lah!’

The coffee shop lady grinned, ‘Aiyo, I cannot chit chat now, my boss calling me.’

Lake downed his Coke and thought of the story. Very interesting death under very unusual circumstances. He finished the last drop of the iced Coke and headed across towards the company, he now has the title for his book, 'The Toilet Flash Murder Mystery.'

Now, who could be the smart Sa Kar that got rid of the dumb Sa Kar?

What's your take? Send in your comments. Clue for the week: Muffins


Reporting from APNN Corporate Crime Division (Tomorrow Sure Die)

Scrabble and The meaning of the words

Test your vocab right here, do you know the meaning of these words?


VARICES
PEYoTES
ImBOWERS
ORECTIVE
CRETICS
SOILURE
ONERIEST
LaPIDATE
TRIVETS
CROFTER

Wonderful World

Amazing shadow art!

Say It Any Which Way You Like - A Poo is a Dung Any Which Way You Shit..

Have you ever wonder why they have to teach you Idioms in school?

Remembered how we used to laugh at the silly statement, 'It is raining cats and dogs.' I mean what is wrong with this English people, if it is raining heavily, just say so, what cats and dogs? And aren't they ones who coined the word 'storm'?

Over the years, we progressed from 'cats and dogs' to 'cart and horses' to 'the bull and the horn'.
I guess once you reached 'take the bull by the horn', you are ready to handle some very serious management bull(shit) from the working world...

What Sissy Bull will say vs what Real Bull will say:
==================================================
We need to know what are your concerns -> Hey, dude, what is your problem
What are the challenges to this project -> How come we have so many freaking problems
We need to see if the budget allows -> Cannot do, we have no money
The project will be impacted -> We are screwed
There is a change to the requirements -> That idiot is changing his mind again
Let's call for a meeting to sort things out -> I am going to kill that burger
Let me understand your views -> You are one big pain in the A**!
Management wants this by tomorrow -> Bloody Sh*t!!

Yes, the world is full of bull.



Reporting from Slaughter House - Fight Bull with Bull, take Red Bull

The difference between a Japanese and American company

A Japanese corporation: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

An American corporation: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

Reporting live by cowpkb.

Onee, Inc in response to Viagra Shampoo announcement

Following the announcement by Timbaktu, Inc. on the the Viagra Shampoo, scientists at Onee.com has also announced the following two new products:

FLATURAGRA: this drug can convert men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Dosage can be doubled for long flights in the plane.
LIAGRA: this drug causes men to be less truthful when being asked about their extra marital affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and
Presidential Strength.

Story from Uncle Bee

Hi, I am Chiak Liao Bee, and let me tell you my story
Life was originally simple and HAPPY
We only toil and suffer in STUDIES
At first only A-B-C, -,+,divide and 1-2-3.
Primary 6 is kan-cheong PSLE
Then go up to SECONDARY
Must learn HISTORY and GEOGRAPHY
Physics, bio and CHEMISTRY
After O levels go JC
Some will choose to go POLY.
This hot and humid little COUNTRY
Somehow seems to have many ENEMIES
Boys 18 years old must go ARMY
After that then enter UNIVERSITY.
Girls here always watch TV
Often skip class and CHIAK LEOW BEE
If you ask them do some DUTIES
They'll just shout " Alamak ! " and cry for MUMMY.
Can study, continue STUDY
Can't study, work FACTORY
Cannot rely on CHARITY
Work like hell and earn just a little SALARY
After CPF and INCOME TAX, you'll be lucky that you still can buy ROTI
Save money lor use MRT.

Colleagues formerly seem FRIENDLY
Daily treated to their tea and COFFEE
Now they gradually get CRAZY
Worst still behind me say I LAZY.
Bosses every where have no SYMPATHY
Work always must HURRY HURRY
Say I always take MC
Often make me do OT
Midnight go back in TAXI
Midnight surcharge ERP
Cause my bank account NO MONEY
Nowadays you pity POSB
DBS just want EXTRA FEE
Got cheek and say " Nothing is FREE !

Boy/girl friend-friend become STEADY
Serious pak-tor and then MARRY
Waste-time and money on ceremony and dinner PARTY
Still got joker-friends just give PANTY
After marry no more HONEY-HONEY
Two years later become DADDY
Wife at KK give birth to BABY
Name given is DO RE MI
Monthly pay back HDB
Moonlight anything including KARANG GUNI
Earn not enough FEEL GUILTY
Jump river suicide and want to MATI
Maybe life is really not that EASY
Better go to heaven and be FAIRY
You say FUNNY or not FUNNY

Reporting live by Uncle Bee rapping at kopi-shop.

New job title

An employee was speaking to his boss.
Nowadays everyone is putting i- in front of everything, iPod, iTouch. Your job title "Director of Information Technology sounds boring."

The director ponders for a while and replied. "From now onwards, call me i-Diot."

Experimental Shampoo Hits the Underground

Related report here.

There are reports of an underground sale of the yet un-released Viagra Shampoo developed by the R&D arm of TimBakTu Inc. The sale of the product has propagated in the realm of abusers who use the product for other purposes rather than for their hair.

To most victims of this underground leak of the product, it was major disappointment as the product did not perform well to other parts of the body other than to the hair. People tout the product as a scam with the naming of the shampoo, citing that gel or wax could just as easily style one's hair.

The product was sold for a street price between US$50 to US$100. Other more adventurous victims attempted to digest the shampoo causing severe vomiting.

TimBakTu Inc cannot be reach for comment for such a leak at this time.

Reporting from the underground (six feet under)

The Teflon Umbrella

Product : Teflon Umbrella
Purpose : To deflect work(shit) & during emergency, can act as a parachute to safety.
Manufacturer : By Managers
For : Managers or Exec Support
Materials : Umbrella made entirely out of Teflon
List Price : TBD
Release Date : Q1 2008
Distributor : TCSM - Teflon Co-Sourcing Manufacturer

Performance Evaluation Counterfeits

Human Resource have detained five Managers for peddling pirated and counterfeit Performance Evaluations during the Ranking Exercise. The four women and a man, aged between 33 and 43 years, were caught at various locations in a 12-hour island-wide operation conducted on 24 October 2007 . HR also seized about 800 copied PE reports. These reports have a street value of an inestimable amount.

In the middle of this year, HR had received information that several managers were advertising the sale of suspected prepared PEs. Acting on the information, HR tracked down the subjects and detained them for questioning.

This operation was a joint effort between the HR and IT department. HR will continue to mount operations against those who think that they can exploit the employees by use of counterfeit PE reports.

Deputy Vice President of HR Sharky Ong said, “Lazy Managers’ should think twice before engaging in such illegal activities. The punishment is severe and managers caught may end up with false PE reports for themselves too.

Reporting from Somewhere over the rainbow

Viagra Shampoo

A scientist from TimBakTu Inc has invented a Viagra Shampoo. Not only will the shampoo make your hair shinny and smooth, it will make every strand of hair stiff and erect! The company said that the shampoo will do very well in the LongKangWood movies industry as well as the fashion industry which calls for very unusual hair styling requirements.

The shampoo will likely be sold under prescription and not available to the general public, as fear of abuse using the shampoo on other areas may arise.

Reporting from TimBakTu by Scientic Discovery journalist, TimberLooch

Manager 101 for Dummies

Here are highly effective techniques for new managers but use it wisely, or it may backfire.

1. Re-organize your group or organization immediately.

This technique will tell everyone that the previous organization is not as optimized as the one you are proposing. And by sheer luck, if the organization is successful, you'll get the credits caused you re-organized it to be successful. If it is a failure, just find a scapegoat - see further bullet points to avoid failure.

2. You should be capable of doing the managerial position or the work within your organization. In case you are incapable of doing or understanding what needs to be done, mitigate the problem by doing the following:

a. Hire someone to report to you that can do your job. This way, if the new-hire's success will become your success.
b. Reward and motivate existing employee(s) to step up and do your job
c. Blame failure on the new-hire or the employee

*Note : if you were hired by a manager that is also doing #2, you must follow suit in his footsteps.

3. Perform #1 again, to mitigate any upcoming failure. Re-iterate #2 as deep as necessary.



Tips from the Financial University of Colorado Kentucky

Die Bastards Die

Former James Bond star Rockstarr Ashi received a new bum-impression on LongKangWood Bum of Fame on LongKangWood Boulevard. Rockstarr marked his 80th birthday by accepting this Bum of Fame honour just yesterday, shortly after the announcement of the new Bond thriller "Die Bastards Die". He is the only Bond star that received the Bum of Fame honour by having a full bum impression done on a gold plated sidewalk.

Director SiaKar was interviewed earlier today and he confirmed Rockstarr Ashi will not be cast as the villain in Die Bastards Die citing that Rockstarr is too old for the villain role. They are currently trying out several possibilities including Black Pitt and Damnwell Washington, where they will get a chance to play the very first gay-black villain in a Bond movie - certainly a very bold move.

Fans of the movies are raving about the new Die Bastards Die movie, and the movie is already becoming a box office even before it is produced. LongKangWood's most difficult project yet, 6 months left to cast and film the movie, and the story aint even ready. Director SiaKar deferred the rise to fame solely by the chosen name for the movie. It is rumoured that Director SiaKar was the one that chosed the name for the movie. Previously short-listed movie names include "The Day Three", "Direct Shit" and "The Spy who Died"

The writers for Die Bastard Die will post story ideas at this website, creating the next killer Bond movie (pun intended).

Rockstarr Ashi will be on the big screen in Nov, starring as the evil step father in "The Singing Santa". The trailer is available here.

Reporting from LongKangWood Cafe - Espresso si peh song!

Garment to introduce BLT

Tax Me More

BLT - it's not just Bacon, Lettuce and Tomatos.

The recent hike in the Goods and Services Tax did not stop our Garment from wanting more. The latest from the Palarment debate is to introduce yet another tax on top of the GST known as the Bo-Laksa Tax. The BLT will be introduce in 2008, on all income given to the employees. The BLT will be deducted from the payroll directly, any money that is deposited to the employee from payroll shall be liable for BLT. The debate is on whether BLT will be in the 1-3% range or higher.The Garment cited that the tax is inevitable as the higher wages/bonuses of the high level officials need to come from somewhere, and BLT will serve that need.

Immediately after the news of the debate has been circulated, prices of Bacon and Tomatos surged. It is unknown why Lettuce prices remained unchanged.


By the England No Velly Goot Repotter.

The Oath....

I, Cin Boh Lui, swear to sign away another year of my useless life to the "COMPANY" because I have no money and want to hang out with the Idiots without "actually" having to be one of them.

I swear to sit behind my desk everyday and let others take the credit.
I also swear not to do any form of real work, but promise to defend our marathon team who exercises during office hours and for those who aspire to be the IRON Man.

I promise to walk around every morning calling everyone by their nick name because
I find it amusing to annoy them (example: wa nua buey).

I swear I will have a better quality of life than all those around me
and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact.

While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge (Mr Know It All) while getting
absolutely nothing accomplished. I will do no work unless someone is watching me
(and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early everyday.

I consent to never getting promoted -- EVER. I understand that all those whom
I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow.
So help me God.

Reporting live from a very sick man lying in bed.

Lastest Bond Movie planned for Summer 2008

Surprise! Surprise! LongKangWood just announced it's next installment of the famous francise movie - James Bond, Die Bastards Die.

The film is slated to debut in cinemas world-wide in Summer 2008. The movie is directed by LongKangWood's latest prodigy, SiaKar. Director SiaKar has hit movies under his belt, including "End to End", "My Boys and Girls" and "Pretty Half-a-Woman".


The storyline of the latest movie is still kept very hash-hash. As the plot is yet to be finalized. It seems the script writers cannot agree on how much violence to include in the movie. But we all know it will have lots of special effects that will wow audiences the world over. Our spies at LongKangWood promised us that Die Bastards Die will feature head chopping action, spying storying lines and gold-digging adventures. So don't miss Die Bastards Die, cause Downsizing is just the first step. (the only place you can get up-sized is at McDonalds!)

Reporting from Entertainment Tomorrow Night, LongKangWood.

The Murphy Work Laws

Remember...
1. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters away from a kick in the pants.
2. If you are too good at work, you cannot be replaced and hence cannot be promoted.
3. The longer your title, the less important the job.
4. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
5. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
6. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
7. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
8. If you want to be visible for your next review, talk loudly - never mind if you sound stupid.
9. And if you really want to nail the rank '1' or promotion, slang till your tongue gets knotted.

A typical office life ....

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Reporting live from APNN Shanghai by Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

Breaking The Rules, Pushing the Limit: Change Management

Change is a constant so say some wise people. One cannot deny that changes are taking place every second of the day; the environment is changing, governments are changing, ways of doing business are changing, the world economies are changing and your company is changing.

With so many changes going on, it is not surprising that someone soon came up with the mind boggling concept called Change Management (CM).

What is CM exactly? A system of managing change as most of us are being told. A concept that all blue-eyed MNC hailed as the mechanism of control over what is happening in their organization.

To find out more about the new popular concept, we sent our Busisness Analyst Wan Na Be to interview a visiting management Guru, Professor Cha Nge Ma Nag from the University of EMENT.

Excerpts of the ‘Live’ interview follows:

Wan Na Be : Professor Cha, CM has very much been a western business philosophy, in your opinion, would this philosophy of managing and controlling change be applicable in Asia?

Professor: I admire my western thinkers for their courage in their attempt to control changes. Mother Earth is going thru tremendous change. In reality, change is an ever moving body of events, it is fluid, never a constant.

Wan Na Be : By your definition of change is never a constant, what are your perspective on CM then?

Professor : Well, as change is never a constant, you can’t really manage a moving body of events. You can have all the concepts in theory but to be able to manage and control, it is not possible. Take for example, environmental change in the atmosphere, when the earthquake happened on 26th Dec and the tsunamics wiped out thousands unexpectedly, there was no way of managing nor control the change that was taking place beneath the ocean. The most sophisticated warning systems can at best alert you but you cannot manage nor control the body of moving events.

Wan Na Be : So what you are saying is that we cannot manage change, if so how then would you suggest addressing the changes that are happening around the world and in companies?

Professor : The Asian perspective of CM is one of respect. If you take the word Change Management, there are 2 components involved. One is ‘Change’ which I agree with my western counterparts, that changes are taking place everyday. The second word ‘Management’ is where I differ. It is correct to say that in an environment of change there must be some form of management and control but just what exactly should be managed? The changes? But how do you manage a non-constant? That leaves only one other component to the concept that can be managed, the people. Therefore in our University, we teach our Post Graduates Entrepenuers that in every situation it is the people that you can and must manage, not the events.

Wan Na Be : So in essence, you are saying that the Asian perspective of CM is the management of the people, can you share of any kind of business experience to support your view?

Professor : Yes, of course, we were commissioned to do a survey of the Change Management group of a medium MNC. The CM group was handling a tremendous load of changes happening every week and spent many good hours in meetings and making sure the changes are being recorded, approved and accompanied with proper paperwork. The pressure to make sure that all the changes were managed was well.. quite absurd and it was making the CM group grumpy and stressed up, very unhappy people.

Wan Na Be : What did your team recommended to the MNC?

Professor : It was a very simple solution that we proposed based on our concept of CM. First of all, one must recognized that whether you manage or control the change, you cannot stop it from happening and the effects that it will have. Second, if you are going to get the same net effect, whether you manage or not, then why try to control what you cannot stop. This is the concept of respect. Once you have this respect, then the third component falls in place ie, managing the people.

Wan Na Be : Can you explain more about the third component.

Professor : The third component is the people. If the people can manage themselves around change then the changes become a normal acceptable body of events. I give you an example: Say, your Chief Editor today tells you that he is going to make you Front Page Business Director next summer. How would you react?

Wan Na Be (grinning from ear to ear) : Well, I will be happy and I suppose I will have to do better than now.

Professor : And how are you going to do that?

Wan Na Be: Probably turn in more articles and get a wider viewership.

Professor : Precisely, you will chase the carrot he is dangling before you. You are already trying to manage a change that your Chief Editor has planted in your mind.
So you want to make sure that you do better articles and get wider recognition so that you can control the end result of the change.

Wan Na Be blushed sheepishly.

Professor : But are you really in control? From now to next summer, you will try to manage the events leading to the ‘promised’ change. But what happens if he decides not to appoint you? Can you do anything about it? What happens to all the ‘work’ put in by you to manage and control the outcome?

Wan Na Be (heart dropped, jaw also dropped) : I suppose I cannot do anything and all my efforts will be wasted. I will be dissppointed.

Professor: But you can manage your feelings and deal with the disappointment, right?

Wan Na Be : Yes, I guess that is the only thing that I can do.

Professor: Herein lies the strength of the Asian perspective of CM. You don’t manage the change, but you manage the people ie. yourself. And if companies embrace this concept into their environment then they will have happier staff instead of stressed and disgruntled CM groups meeting to talk or approve changes and constantly being tripped by the amount of crazy bureaucracy of processes.

Wan Na Be: So what was recommended to the MNC? And what are the effects on the CM group?

Professor: We recommended a Policy of Non-Interference. See, what will happen will happen, just deal with it when it does. Now the CM group has time for coffee breaks, they are more relaxed at work and changes are no more viewed as something to be alarmed because now, everyone in the company doesn’t interfere in whatever is happening in the organization. I believed that in your wise society you have a term for it – ‘Just Don’t Care Lah!’


Reported by The Wind Blows The Other Way Too

The Meaning Behind…

‘We are already very lean, we are not planning to reduce our numbers…’
Catchword: not planning
Meaning: no new plans because it has already been planned and decided

‘You are the best in class, the company couldn’t ask for a better team..’
Catchword: Best in class
Meaning: They only have you and they are stuck with you so you are the best in class. Don’t expect any kind of reward by this ‘make-you-feel-good’ statement.

‘I will see to it that the team is being rewarded for their contribution…’
Catchword: See to it
Meaning: He/She will just see to it that it gets pass over to HR.

‘You don’t have to like someone to work with someone’
Catchword: someone
Meaning: The manager is referring to himself/herself, it is a trick statement

‘All of us are mature individuals and managers in our own right.’
Catchword: Mature individual and managers
Meaning: Don’t bitch, just do your work and solve your own problems, stop bothering your managers with matters that they cannot handle

‘It could be worse’
Catchword: could be
Meaning: A self consoling face saving statement. Used by managers who doesn’t have the solution to the problem.

‘All of you should be proud of yourself and give yourself a pat on the back.’
Catchword: give yourself
Meaning: Thanks for the hard work, suckers!!

‘All of you deserve the recognition for the kind of work you have done, no one in the industry has done this in such a short time.’
Catchword: No one in the industry
Meaning: There is no market benchmark for such work, so you will only get recognition and nothing else.

‘Your dedication and commitment to the company is something I am very proud of.’
Catchword: I am very proud of
Meaning: You are bunch of gullible lot working your butt out making me look good to outsiders

‘We are a very strong team.’
Catchword: We
Meaning: The manager is desperately hitching a ride on your hard work to claim credit for him/herself. Normally said just before performance review is round the corner.

‘We should streamline our processes and have teamwork and synergy’
Catchword: teamwork
Meaning: the manager/management is the ‘team’, you are ‘the work’ Get it??:)

‘The decision is in line with the Corporate direction’
Catchword: Corporate direction
Meaning: We don’t want to hear what you think, just shut up and accept the decision.

‘We are working with HR to reward our people.’
Catchword: our people
Meaning: They are referring to their inner group of cohorts, not You. So stop living in self deception.

‘Let’s have a 1on1 to discuss your Performance Review.’
Catchword: your
Meaning: Has nothing to do with how well you have done but everything with what you have done. See, the poor bat hasn’t been noticing you all year round but he/she now needs you to regurgitate your ‘accomplishments’ in 1 hour so that they can turn in their report to their upper managers.
(psst…we have a solution for this one, try cut and paste from last year’s review, bats won’t know the difference because they are just so thrilled to have something submitted on time.)

‘The recent re-alignment of business units is to tap on our strong capabilities and leverage on the synergy to maximize profitability.’
Catchword: leverage & maximize
Meaning: You are being re-org. for future WFM to minimize costs and increase the company’s profitability i.e. your days are numbered.

The next time you hear some executives vexed eloquent delivering his/her speech, do listen but take it with a pinch of salt and leave the ‘motivating’ session with a smile because now, you know exactly what they were trying so hard to tell you.


Reporting From A Pair of Traumatized Ears, APNN Roving Medic Unit

Your performance evaluation is just around the corner

Your performance evaluation is just around the corner. Know all these terms will help you plan for your career.

Bridge builder: likes to compromise.
Charismatic: no interest in any opinion but his own.
Consultative: indecisive, clueless.
Demonstrate leadership: loud voice.
Promotion: new title to make you feel appreciated.
Enjoy your job: needs to do more.
Inter-personal skill: make good cup of coffee for your boss.
Well informed: knows all the company gossips.
Good listener: no ideas of his own.
Slightly below average: stupid.
Takes pride in work: conceited.
Effective time management: clock watcher.
Work overtime: miserable personal life.
Effective resource management: delegates everything.

Reporting live from drinking beer in the bar on a Monday blue.

The Making of A Great Company – The Insider Story

It started in the boardroom of some rich investors having too much money and not knowing what to shop for…until they heard of a little business in the Far East which they could actually occupied their time with.

The little business was elated that it was chosen and the appointed Leader selected his ‘40’ (no, this is better than the 300). The 40 was super charged hand picked workers who believed that they were going to be the pioneers, the backbone of the company, part of a great challenge – the dawning of an exciting era with big fat bonuses and career advancements.

Very quickly and efficiently, they organized themselves into concentration camps, time zone was non-existent, the 40 worked (at least a good majority of them did) day and night and proved to the industry that nothing is impossible. The company was built in 18 months, self sufficient with its own policies, own processes and own systems. The workers patted themselves in the back.

Independence Day was celebrated not once, not twice but many times. The 40 was constantly reminded that they did it and the Leader gave beautiful speeches expressing his thanks and his commitment to them…but there was still no mention of the rewards.

The 40 waited - still believing, still hoping that their Leader has not forgotten them.

What a gullible lot!!!

Then the announcement of a re-organization raised hopes but this was quickly dashed when it was clear that only the inner circle of the Leader was rewarded and promoted. Disappointment set in. The line between the Leader’s favored ones and the working class was drawn; corporate caste system (CCS) was established.

All animals are equal but
Some animals are more equal and
They sit in cubicles

All animals can perform but
Some animals are born performers and
They can have 1on1 coffee with the Leader

All animals are ranked above average but
Some animals are always ranked ‘1’ and
Only the pigs can decide who is ‘1’

All animals have the freedom to express themselves but
Some animals like the pigs have the last say and
They are the brains behind the Leader

All animals are deemed intelligent but
Some animals are more intelligent and
They can take your ideas and make it theirs

All animals are colour blind but
Some animals are more colour blind and
The pigs love to suck up to the colour ‘White’.

The group of disgruntled workers held a meeting to address their grievances. The knights of the Fair Council finally tabled the motion of Tolerance ie. carry on working as if you are happy but watch out for the pigs. Good will triumph eventually as some of the pigs believe in karma and what goes round must come around.

While all this exciting developments were happening to the little business, the rich bore investors went shopping again and this time, they commissioned an archeology expedition into some deep forsaken corner of a desert in the hope of unearthing some fossils of extinct creatures that will project them as environmentally conscious industrialist.

Their gamble paid off and they struck gold. The team had uncovered a well preserved body of a human specimen in one of their digs. The specimen believed to be a male was squarish and stout in build with flat features indicating a possible descendant of the extinct nomadic tribe of the Globlocks from Inner Mongolia. The specimen was quickly transported to the Lab of Pychoparalysis*, tests were run and the results show that the 3000 years old specimen with a big brain cavity can actually be revived with the help of the DNA induction program.

Within three weeks, the rich investors proudly presented their ‘discovery’ – genetically altered Natkcoh and appointed the altered specimen as their Chief of Staff over the little business in the Far East. With the help of the DNA induction program, Natkcoh’s vocabulary improved by leaps and bounds, his English was eloquent (by standards of the Bad Alley Gang*) and in wanting to keep up with the modern executives, Natkcoh makes sure that he uses every chance to practice his favourite range of vocabulary which is confined from ‘c’ to ‘f’. The rich investors were pleased.

In the Far East, the Leader slept uneasily.

With his new found status, Natkcoh started to introduce his plan of change drastically. His big brain cavity spewed out many unorthodox ideas. His first task was to recruit another specimen but a younger one. Together they will rule the little business. The Leader in the Far East started to loose sleep, his suckling pigs held little pigsty meetings privately. The workers knowing nothing of the brewing storm continue to work for the Leader.

Like hovering clouds that break suddenly, Visitor’s Day was announced; Mr. Second Specimen will be visiting the little business. The Leader and his pigs went into a frizzy of preparation, the workers were told to get all documents ready, don’t say anything, don’t talk to Mr. Second Specimen, if he asked question, direct to your task masters or any of the pigs.

It was evident from the visit that Mr. Second Specimen was cautiously hosted by the Leader and his pigs. The allegiance to the Leader remained strong and his pigs did their best to undermine the credibility of Mr. Second Specimen. Workers were asked to give their opinion after the visit. But before the pigs could get their propaganda machinery started, Natkcoh announced the permanent appointment of Mr. Second Specimen as the New Chief of Operations, effectively cutting the Leader’s pie into half.

The Leader and his pigs were in disarray, some pigs vomited blood, some were fainting at the corridors and spilling their fat intestines onto the floor and some drank themselves silly and was seen tottering ungracefully on their little hoofs. All the pigs were oinking and cursing Mr. Second Specimen.

The workers held another round of council and unanimously agreed, the pigs are skewed for the slaughter! Watch and see, soon there will be a glut in the supply of bacon.

In the ensuing weeks, several pigs silently defected to the ‘other’ side. The Leader’s grip over his pet pork bellies was sliding from him. Even his most trusted swine was showing signs of defection. All the pigs were busy making plans to save their own hinds, the Leader was left only. The workers pitied him but remembering that he was the one who ripped them off their just rewards, they held back from consoling him. Karma is at work, do not meddle.

Behind the scenes, daggers were drawn between the ‘Specimens’ and the Leader. Things came to a hilt and the Leader relinquished his position. The council had predicted it and many pigs saw the end of their tails going up in smoke. But some pigs quickly ditched the Leader and don on a disguise to welcome the victorious New Chief of Operations.

In the middle of fall, the final show of power hit the eastern shore, many pigs were slaughtered. Suckling pigs went on sale that week. The workers heaved a sigh of relief : at last justice prevails or it seem so for a short while. Whether it was an oversight or a strategy of the ‘Specimens’, not all pigs were impaled, defecting 2-faced pigs were left untouched.

The little business in the Far East now has lesser pigs, a new regime has taken over and needless to say the 2-faced pigs are singing and hailing praises of the all victorious New Chief of Operations. Under the new regime, there is no room for objection, try you may but it will be futile (refer to article 'Where is the Light.. on APNN website).

In an unkind twist of fate, the new regime appointed defecting 2-faced pigs as figures of authority; their task is simple; report all rebellion and continue to undermine the workers and take credit for their work.

Ironically, the new regime loves bacon as well. The workers fear the worst has yet to come.

Soon the Knights of the Fair Council will convene again. What will be their decision and course of action? Shall we wager over say a … or half a dozen of bacon sandwiches:)??

Nice story? Nice Fiction? NO!, This is not fiction, this is the story of a real company.
The 2-faced pigs are still in the company and in positions of authority and if you look hard enough at your own company, you can identify these degrading betraying swines too!!

Reporting from APNN Deep Cover Unit, DMZ Korea

Globlocks A disgraced uncouth tribe massacred by Genghis Khan's forefathers in the War of The Great Khans in AD 205, the Globlocks are the descendents of No-I Khan (pronouced as 'No' I Can't)

* A famous foul rapping group that was recently sued for sexual harassment

*A state of progressive derangement of the brain due to excessive hot air trapped in the upper half of the skull. Symptons include arrogant show of power coupled with impaired speech, incontrollable outburst of absurdity and short attention span. There is no known medical cure, the sure cure is to break the skull. Eexperimental trials of filling the cavity with Damn Neuro Agents (DNA) seems to have limited success. For more indepth understanding of the disease, please contact the Lab of Pyschoparalysis headquartered in the USA.

Contentment

Have you ever, at any one time, had the feeling that life is bad, realbad, and you wish you were in another situation? You find life make things difficult for you, work sucks, life sucks, everything seems to go wrong...


Read the following story... it may change your views about life:


After a conversation with one of my friends, he told me despite taking two jobs, he brings back barely above 1K per month, he is happy as he is. I wonder how he can be as happy as he is considering he has to skimp his life with the low pay to support a pair of old parents, in-laws, a wife, 2 daughters and the many bills of a household. He explained that it was through one incident that he saw in India that happened a few years ago when he was really feeling low and touring India after a major setback. He said that right in front of his very eyes he saw an Indian mother chop off her child's right hand with a chopper. The helplessness in the mother's eyes, the scream of pain from the innocent 4-year-old child haunted him until today.


You may ask why did the mother do so; had the child been naughty, had the child's hand been infected?? No, it was done for two simplewords---TO BEG!

The desperate mother deliberately caused the child to be handicapped so that the child could go out to the streets to beg. Taken aback by the scene, he dropped a piece of bread he was eatinghalf-way. And almost instantly, a flock 5 or 6 children swamped towards this small piece of bread which was covered with sand, robbing bits from one another. The natural reaction of hunger. Stricken by the happenings, he instructed his guide to drive him to the nearest bakery. He arrived at two bakeries and bought every single loaf of bread he found in the bakeries. The owner was dumbfounded butwillingly sold everything. He spent less than $100 t o obtain about 400 loaves of bread (this is less than $0..25 per loaf) and spent another $100 to get daily necessities.



Off he went in the truck full of bread into the streets. As he distributed the bread and necessities to the children (mostlyhandicapped) and a few adults, he received cheers and bows from these unfortunate. For the first time in his life he wondered how people can give up their dignity for a loaf of bread which cost less than $0.25. He began to tell himself how fortunate he is. How fortunate he is to be able to have a complete body, have a job! , have a family, have the chance to complain what food is nice and what isn't nice, have the chance to be clothed, have the many things that these people in front of him are deprived of...



Now I begin to think and feel it, too! Was my life really that bad? Perhaps... no, I should not feel bad at all... What about you? Maybe the next time you think you are, think about the child who lost one hand to beg on the streets. "Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, it is the realization of how much you already have."


When the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it'salso true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.


The happiest people doesn't mean she/he has the best of everything;they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past,you can'tgo on well in life until you let go of your past failures andheartaches.


Reporting live from APNN India

Apple - Think Different

Many of you must know of Apple Inc, the company which came back from the dead and become one of todays most successful and iconic company. Famous for its iMacs, iPods and the most recent iPhones, Apple has convinced the mass consumers to switch from PC Windows to Mac OSX. It is converting and bringing computing to the masses.

The moral of the story is, "Think Different". The old ways of doing things are just that, and will eventually become obsolete. We must change our mindsets, ready to take risks and rip the rewards we deserve. Rewards come in many forms and not just in monetary terms - the satisfaction of carrying a MacBook speaks for itself.

Reporting from the Switched Camp (Switching from Windows to Ubuntu!)

Retrenchment/Retirement Is A Serious Matter

MEMO TO ALL STAFF

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy in US since last Christmas, management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age, on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPE and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPE can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants of Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel (Early Severance)). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management. Persons staying on will receive as much SHlT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.
Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHlT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHlT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHlT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Management.

Reporting by A Potential RAPE Candidate

The Bitter Pill

"Some information is very HARD to swallow" - this line is taken from "Mr Brown Show" pod cast dated Oct 1st. But it applies to any organization or workforce of any shape and size.

Management always give employees the "Bitter Pill". No such thing as the "Red" or "Blue" Pill(choice) given in the Matrix. Perhaps the lucky employees in the Financial industry are luckier and receives or is receving big fat bonuses (this is bitter-sweet pill), most people are stucked in other industries and are just stammering along, even in this era of good econmic growth.

Beware when management try to slip you a bitter pill. You can recognise the bitter pill by the amount of bull-shit surrounding the pill. The consequence of swallowing the bitter pill and getting the bitter taste is the after-effects of the pill causing permenant damage to your health. . "Show me da money" is what we must do rather than swallowing the bitter pill.

Caution : Not swallowing the pill may be dealt with by management using the "Scissor" tactics described in an earlier blog article.

Reported by Victim of the Bitter Pill

Paper, Scissor or Stone ?

Tactics of the modern management (Note: the irony of the word "Modern in this context since the tools are so primitive)

This is a simple guide to management tactics/tools in this fast, ruthless management world . This article is also a good read for all wannabe managers and can be added to their arsenal of tools in the future.

Paper
Its all about Paper. Management want it all. Palm all stretch out screaming "Give me give me! I'm up high on the corporate ladder, so I must be rewarded and rank as the best employee". In keeping up with their fat pay cheques(which is on paper), they are focused on the "Bottom Line", scraping and pinching from lowly paid employees to supplement their Paper Cheques or Stock Options.

Scissor
This is the tactic of telling the workforce that work can be done with fewer people with greater efficiencies and hence the "need" to reduce headcount. The Scissor tactics eliminate the lower hierarchy of people in order to justify the higher paid "Porfessionals" in the upper management. The Scissor tactic is ritualistically employed by all managers at every possible opportunity because haircuts are a must and with every cut, their share of the pie increased.
* sorrie, my England not velly powderful.

Stone
And if the Scissor tool doesn't work or used too frequently, just use this Stone tool to stonewall the employees. "You've hit your compa-ratio - no more pay increase" "the company is not doing well - no increase" "The company is doing well, but you are not the top employees - so low increase" A smart alternative to the Scissor, because who the dickens compute the compa-ratio? and who is to say the company is not doing well?? Accountants are second to lawyers in the art of 'presentation'. So yes, this is the last tool...a blank stone wall with the writings on the wall: 'Take it or leave...the door is that way..'


reported from The wet market around the corner

Significance of the Elephant Logo

Why an Elephant logo for the Asia Pacific News Network? Why not a Snail? Why not an Owl? Why not a Snake?

Reason is simple, an Elephant has brain that has a somewhat longish memory, and remembers everything from Day One, or maybe Day Two and everything or anyone who offended them...yes, the elephants remember YOU..you..you...

Of course, the Elephant is also perceived as some God in some religion! So we hope APNN will be worshiped at some point with all the support it is getting.



May the Bull Force be with You

PS: If you notice, we have an Ad helping you to backup your hardisk called Elephant Backup. Try it!

A Corporate Culture Paradigm Shift ... The Asian Awakening

18th Oct. 2007 : Loyalty was once a upon a time a much emphasised trait of any professional worth their salt to the company. Loyalty forms bonds and begets trust and provide employees a sense of security and belonging.

But recent high handed coersion employed by some 'cow-boy' management has turned the very much passive non-verbal Asian workers to stand up for their due rewards. But not thru eloquent arguments or persuasive retort like their western counterparts. Asians generally do not argue nor speak up against authority, more often than not, Asians rather execute their deep feelings than talk about it.

Just not too long ago, the word wfm (aka retrenchment) was a stigma to be associated with, employees worry how it will look in their resume and how they are going to explain to their potential employers. But the 'awakened' Asian worker has wised up after years of being sidelined, exploited as cheap labour, passed over for promotion and plain discounted as just a statistic by their 'cow-boy' management. Timid non-assuming looking obedient Asian workers are now volunteering themselves for work force management.

Just recently, a Snr executive whose company was going thru wfm, commented that 'this is a unique situation...so many people asking for the package.' Gone are the days where employees are saddened if they are retrenched, now it is something to be proud of. And why not? afterall, Asian workers have been underpaid and overlooked, so why wait for the annual review and get puny increment? The fastest track to a fat bank account is to get retrenched and get the just rewards that the company has witheld from them.

To the 'cowboy' management of such companies, perhaps it is something to take note that the paradigm shift is an indication that loyalty is out of the window and they deceived themselves if they think they are creating a great place to work by their gunho management style. And for those whom they choose to keep for now to execute their superfluos agenda, it is just a matter of time before they raise thier hands for the next round of wfm for the knife cuts both ways.



Reporting from The CoffeeShop with 2 Halfboiled Eggs

Where is the Light?.....What Light?...Is there one...?

16th Oct. 2007 : The news hit the people late in the evening, many were surprised at the way the annoucement were made, via impersonal email. There has been talk about the 'hit' list of people who will be workforce managed but information leaks were inconclusive.

The exercise ushered in the end of the era of the former leader who left for 'better' opportunities. It was a matter of time that any trace of loyalty to the former leader will be removed. A clean sweep of the middle level managers ensured that any spark of a rebellion will be snubbed out. And in its place, defecting stooges are appointed as puppet managers.

For those unfortunate 'indispensables' left untouched this round, besides having to take on larger workload, their unhappiness is now compounded with the appointment of puppet managers whose sole role is to report to the central government anyone opposing the regime. A recent attempt by a group of 'real' workers opposing the appointment of a puppet manager was squashed by the central government ie, giving the reason that the appointment is in line and good for the company's future.

For a central government who believes vision comes from a 'higher' caste of mankind and in a system that rewards those who talked 'management', observers are predicting a collapse of the machinery. Some analysts are even saying the downfall can be before the next fiscal year is over.



Reporting from The Company with No Hope